One Person's Aftermath of December 12, 2014

 Matthew Ryan Foley  

September 27, 1976 - December 12, 2014

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work or play.

Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found a place at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void, Then fill it with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Yes these things I too will miss

Be not burdened with times of sorrow,
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life has been full I savoured much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Lift up your heart and share with me,
God wanted me now He set me free.

 

 

What to do about my life?

 It is about the lack of meaning and purpose in my life. About the role of my work in my life.

 I have no energy for work. The things that are scheduled get done. Office work gets done. My client list is now eroding. Added to all that is the pressure I put on myself. I need to work as 8 years of caring for Matthew has eroded our savings. Can not bring myself to recruit. Do not know where to begin. Overwhelmed! Loss, grieving, tired of feeling sad, worried about money, can’t pick up the phone and speak to friends let alone leads. STUCK

As most of you know my son Matthew lived with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS) or Lou Gehrig’s disease for 8 years and he passed away December 12, 2014. I can not find words to describe how I am feeling about his death. This frustrates me because I want to be able to express the pain and sadness away. Irrational I know but I do not know what else to do. I get upset when people ask me about his death and upset when they do not ask. I was shocked at how quickly my work life resumed and at a velocity that bowled me over as clients demands seemed even greater than before Matthew died. I understand that it is their right to expect this service, but that did not make it any easier for me to get up and go.

Monica is dealing with her grieving in her way as are Sean and Adam. None of them are putting pressure on me but I can see the impact of the last 8 years and Matthew's death on their lives.

So far I try to live day by day. Some days are worse than others. On the days that I really miss Matthew it takes a lot of energy to get on with life and I am exhausted by 3:00 pm. This is when I schedule making phone calls especially to the West and never make the calls  so the list of “To Call” grows daily.

Some one advised me not to make any big life decisions and other than deciding to join a ridiculously expensive and under utilized gym membership and trainer, I have only made one work related decision and that is to take on a support program for retired professional and Olympian athletes. The latter decision has been very good for me emotionally given their enthusiasm and zest for life. 

I have referred to the pressure I put on myself to not let my family down, not to let my clients down. Most of the time when I come out of a client session I am energized and gratified by the experience. I feel that I cannot give this up, that if I do not rebuild my client roster I will be letting these clients down. However how can I recruit when I am uncertain whether I am going to continue in this work? 

There is no immediate financial danger, but if I am not renewed and recharged overtime maybe short, maybe medium, income will erode and our lifestyle will be adversely effected. Monica cannot make up for my downside. Our house and home. Wouldn’t like to lose it.

I notice that as I approach 3:00 pm each day I start to think about how good that first cocktail is going to feel. The number of cocktails has peaked, I think, as I am trying harder to control it but I only talk about giving up alcohol and I have type 2 diabetes so wouldn’t it be smart to quit?

I am weary. So much driving. Struggling to get through July as I take much of August off. No meetings.  Everyday promising I will get down to recruiting in September. Maybe. After a rest. When I get my blood sugar under control.To become engaged in life.

As you can see I am experiencing fear, anger, sadness and my intuition tells me nothing except that I am STUCK! 
  
My best outcome is that I discover a new purpose in my life that gives me passion and meaning again.

An acceptable outcome I find my way through this torpor & be the family business consultant that I think I can be. 

 My worst case would be that I do not recover from my journey of self pity…

What would you do? Or advise? Can your wisdom bring me some clarity? Are there  important questions that need asking?  Am I missing something?

I am going to work through "Life Design: Living your life by choice instead of chance" a life planning process developed by Peggy Vaughan and James Vaughan, Ph.D.

Keeo you posted. No pun intended.