As it turned out I did not have to go very far to confront my fear of death. The opportunity was right in front of me. Monica and 3 other women had founded Markham/Stouffville Hospice and they were looking for volunteers, especially men. So I started my training with great trepidation and got my first client right away. After 3 clients 2 of whom passed away as clients of mine I was advised to take a sabbatical.I will tell the story of my last hospice client. His name is Roger. He was about 45 years old a good husband and father. Roger was diagnosed with a tumour in his sinuses and shortly after meeting him he was moved into the hospital and I visited him there. I remember the day it was decided that he needed to move from chronic care to palliative care. It was December 24th. Mostly I remember Roger's excitement at moving to a new space. He was excited to see the people and the decorations on that floor. He reminded me of something that I read in Graham Green's "Travels with my Aunt". When asked if she had one year to live what would she like to do the aunt says that she would buy a castle with 365 rooms so that she could experience a different room each day and hopefully die while moving to the next room.
What did I learn about death from these wonderful people? I learned about courage, love and humour and their role in acceptance of the inevitable. I saw the fear turn to excitement in their eyes as they contemplated the next phase of life. I learned that discussing death does not have to be depressing. It can be inspirational.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
What is this all about?
Well by now you have probably guessed that this is about our son Matthew's journey to the end of his life and the lesson's I am learning walking with him. It is my wish not to teach you about the lessons I learn but simply to expose them to you for you to think about on your journey. It is inevitable that each of us will wake up from this dream and experience another reality, yet we spend very little time talking about our mortality. Actually we spend much more time and effort jogging and running away from death. I do not believe that the discussion needs to be depressing or macabre, we can approach it with humour and a search for clarity. The proof of that pudding will be in the eating as my dear mother used to say.
In some ways all of my life has been preparing me for this journey with Matthew. As a young child my first experience with death was the passing away of my maternal grandmother, Pearls. I recall her with great love and affection because she treated me with great love and affection. Next my paternal grandmother,Nana, who was waked at her home. The casket was open and I recall the coolness of her skin as my father made me touch her hands. Shortly after that my paternal grandfather, Billo, followed Nana. My childhood friend Michael Brown who died on a construction site when tons of earth buried him in a foundation. In university Gail Spooner died in a car accident and as a young man my friend Sean Palmer killed himself. My mother-in-law Nora who I loved deeply came to stay with us for 3 weeks while her eldest daughter Johanna, who died of ALS, traveled to Ireland with her daughter and son-in-law. Nora was with us for a year and died with us. There were also great aunts and uncles that passed on. When I was first married to my life partner and my partner for life, Monica, I would sometimes wake up and look at her sleeping and think 'O my God we will only have 40 years together if we are lucky. I loved her so much that 40 years seemed like a very short time. I became aware that I had developed a very strong fear of death and loss.
What to do about it? About this time in my life I became interested in the eastern wisdom tradition and I read somewhere that the only way to deal with our fear is to confront it. To walk into death. But where could I confront my demons?
In some ways all of my life has been preparing me for this journey with Matthew. As a young child my first experience with death was the passing away of my maternal grandmother, Pearls. I recall her with great love and affection because she treated me with great love and affection. Next my paternal grandmother,Nana, who was waked at her home. The casket was open and I recall the coolness of her skin as my father made me touch her hands. Shortly after that my paternal grandfather, Billo, followed Nana. My childhood friend Michael Brown who died on a construction site when tons of earth buried him in a foundation. In university Gail Spooner died in a car accident and as a young man my friend Sean Palmer killed himself. My mother-in-law Nora who I loved deeply came to stay with us for 3 weeks while her eldest daughter Johanna, who died of ALS, traveled to Ireland with her daughter and son-in-law. Nora was with us for a year and died with us. There were also great aunts and uncles that passed on. When I was first married to my life partner and my partner for life, Monica, I would sometimes wake up and look at her sleeping and think 'O my God we will only have 40 years together if we are lucky. I loved her so much that 40 years seemed like a very short time. I became aware that I had developed a very strong fear of death and loss.
What to do about it? About this time in my life I became interested in the eastern wisdom tradition and I read somewhere that the only way to deal with our fear is to confront it. To walk into death. But where could I confront my demons?
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